well, here i am, it's 1:47am and kinda depressed....it seems now the only time i make an entry here is when i'm feeling down... kinda cuz i know no1 will read this so it's kinda safe.... i'm feeling lonely as usual.... i kinda feel like my feelings have been played with...i won't go into detail... i'm not doing so well in school, problems with me and a certain friend have finally cleared up, that's something good, but...somehow i just feel empty... i've been getting the urge to cry, but i can't do much of that....eyes get puffy ya know? no1's gonna know i've been crying if i can help it, heh.... i've been thinking about suicides... i understand why so many are so tempted... cuz sometimes life is just too painful..... but no matter how painful, i don't understand is how can some1 give up on the most important gift God has given us? to throw away life is just....unfathomable... i'm sure many people have thought about suicide, even i gave it thought.... but it always came back to me how important it is.... i should treasure what God has given me and endure this life. and of course it is a sin to take one's own life... and i've been thinking.. is it better right now when i'm going to church than it was when i was? i kind of think it is... not in the sense that it's better not going to church, but the frame of mind i was in back then... i guess back then church was just something i had to endure... i went every sunday cuz my grandparents did.... but right now my faith is much stronger, i guess it's cuz i've matured and changed a lot since i was a girl of what? 12? 13? i just wish this loneliness would go away..... and this sense of being lost.... i have absolutely no clue where my life is going right now... and sometimes i may not show it.... i truly do appreciate my friends..the little things they do for me.... annie, i always enjoy her company...she's upbeat, honest, funny, despite some of the unpleasant things going on in her life, but i wish she'd stop thinking she's going to hell and using it as her excuse to cuss, and things with lindsay have cleared up, there were just too many bad things being filtered through to each of us and not the truth of what's really going on. and meagan, we have interesting conversations about our love lives...or lack thereof in my case, heh.... and robert always with words of support... ha and chris is there with his silliness and weird exploits....o.O and more i have yet to mention, and i appreciate them all, but even with so many friends i'm lonely............ why.....i guess i can't tell these kinds of things to people and have to express them through things like xanga, i'm not good with emotional conversations... and i get awkward telling my feelings to people.... i gotta keep up the image that i'm just some air head silly clumsy girl always with a smile, what's the use of bringing others down with your troubles? better one to suffer than 2. i've endured 2 years without any friends through 5th and 6th grade....i can endure being lonely now.....can't i....?

1. Total number of books you own:  eh...125 or more?? my books are scattered so i couldn't count them all o.o .....and still increasing:)

2. What was the last book you bought?  eh...the last time i bought books i bought like...5 or 6, dun't remember.lol

3. What's the last book you read? in the process of reading The Exploits and Adventures of Miss Alethea Darcy by Elizabeth Aston

4. List 5 books that have been particularly meaningful to you (in no particular order):

Left Behind series- Tim Lahaye and Jerry B. Jenkins

Harry Potter- JK Rowling

anything by Julia Quinn or Johanna Lindsey

Mangas by various authors

5. Tag 5* people and have them fill out this quiz on their own blog:

uum...not that anyone will read this, annie, meagan, maren, robert, and...i dunno just whoever else that reads this o.O